I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”