You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
You Might Also Like
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
My dog ate my work from home.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me: