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[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Love is in the air fryer.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you