[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.