I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
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First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.