If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
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*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I have a new favorite meme page
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
never ask a starfish for directions
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.