Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
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[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.