Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
You Might Also Like
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s