whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS