[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
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We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks