Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
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Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?