Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
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At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.