British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
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How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Traveler’s camo
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.