“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
You Might Also Like
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…