*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
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Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Dance like you’re not the father
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”