Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
A woman drives into a bar.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me