Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

Me, flirting😏

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]