Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
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*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse