My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
You Might Also Like
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I bet birds love this building.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
What?!?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Breaking news:
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.