Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.