“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava