The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
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Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.