Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.