Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
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ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
ok this is my dumbest yet
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny