BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
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Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.