Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
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I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.