My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
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Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.