As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
You Might Also Like
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
so this horse walks into a bar
Ha
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office