Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
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what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
just got my engagement photos
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
When you’re here for the treats.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering