I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
i want to work in this restaurant
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”