Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt