My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
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Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.