DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
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What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.