kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
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Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Who does Amazon think I am?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I’m calling the cops.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”