Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
You Might Also Like
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
adam and eve had first world problems
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?