“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
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SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t