*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
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*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.