63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
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Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck