PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
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Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.