Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
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DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer