Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
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Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Sharon I have some bad news
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.