I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
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[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
umm…
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
this is what they would have looked like, though
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.