This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
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In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.