I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
congratulations to them
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
beware of dog
(jukin media)
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/