A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
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I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia