I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
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I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.