[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
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*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Breaking news:
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP