Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
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I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road