I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
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{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.