I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
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my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
absolute chaos
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time